Great.  Not only am I freaking out that my dad’s dying.  Now, I’m fat too.

I just saw pictures from my dad’s retirement party and OMG I am SO embarrassed.  I am SO FAT.  Seeing myself in print just really HIT ME how not-okay I’m doing!  Sh*t.  How is THIS the way I’m coping?  I hear all the time that people LOSE weight when they’re stressed.  Great, but I go this way.  So now I’m REALLY feeling crappy about my life!

It’s the same old question: people lose their parents every day – so why am I not coping better?  Why does my whole world seem like it’s caving in on me?!?  I mean, it REALLY FEELS like I’m losing everything…  I don’t feel safe anywhere.  I cry at work.  I cry at home.  My insomnia is a bad as ever. 

Man, I don’t even sleep properly – of course, I’m not coping well!  I’m just in TOTAL panic ALL the time… unless I have something to preoccupy me, like planning the Memory Walk or Dad’s Retirement Party.  Those have been great distractions and have made me feel like I’m actually DOING something (something useful and meaningful!) vs. just sitting by completely helpless.  Now… how do I perpetuate a state of staying there…?

Dad, me and our lil' buddy Sparky at Dad's Surprise Retirement Party

Dad, me and our lil' buddy Sparky at Dad's Surprise Retirement Party