February 23, 2008 – LIMIT MY INTAKE

12/10/2009

I have become quite a recluse – for me, anyway.  I feel as if I’m home all the time – whenever I’m not at work or family events or spending time with Dad, anyway. I just feel as if I don’t have any energy left after my obligations are through. 

Typically, when I walk in the door, I have a long list of things I should/could do, and then my butt hits the couch and all bets are off.  Once I’m shut in that house, I’m not going out again until I absolutely have to.  I busy myself at home a lot, watch a lot of TV, read books, avoid almost all phone calls and hide out.  It’s been nearly two months since I filed for divorce and I’m not feeling the desire to do much.  I think A LOT, read a lot, mull over my situation a lot, wonder where I want my life to go, reflect on how I got here, catalogue the mistakes I’ve made, note personality traits I might need to change… then I think about my dad, how precious and fleeting life is, how painful this all is… then I feel so all alone.  And then the phone rings, and I choose not to pick it up.  There are so many people reaching out to me.  I know I should pick it up and reach back.  But I just feel like I want to be alone for a while, like I have a lot of internal work to do.

I’m exhausted and lost and I’m taking full advantage of my new cozy, warm home. 

I have recently picked up Dr. Richard Taylor’s book again, Alzheimer’s: From the Inside Out.  I find it fascinating to be able to get a glimpse of Alzheimer’s from a patient’s point of view.  It’s probably the closest I’ll ever get to seeing my dad’s point of view.  And if I can just understand it and where they’re coming from better, maybe I’ll be able to relate better to my dad along the way.  And so I force myself to read it, even sometimes on days when I don’t want to because I know it’ll depress me.  But I can never read many chapters in one sitting – it’s too emotional.  I find that I put it down for days or weeks at a time.  Then, when I feel stronger, I force myself to pick it back up again.  The other book my mother gave me, The 36 Hour Day, is just WAY TOO HEAVY for me right now. 

I’m still trying so hard to get back on my own two feet, live independently and await my divorce.  I can’t take on the whole world all at once.  I have to limit my intake for my own good.

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