February 10, 2008 – AHHHHH… SLEEP…

12/09/2009

My life is upside down when you note the recent path I’ve taken.  However, on the surface… I’ve lost tons of weight 🙂 and my new house is unpacked and lovely

It’s M-Y SPACE.  MY lovely space!  I’m thrilled with this idea and am taking complete pride in my surroundings.  Things can be – and stay! – wherever I want them to be.  The only dirty dishes in the sink (if ever) will be the ones I decide to leave there for later.  Like a force to be reckoned with, I was completely unpacked and my new home practically fully decorated in about 48 hours.  Talk about putting your mind to something!  The untarnished slate I’m now living upon is my saving grace and I cherish every square inch of it.

Eerily, it’s impossible to ignore the fact that (after the very first night in my new place) I have been sleeping like a BABY.  An absolutely content, safe, happy baby!  Oh, how magnificent life looks through properly rested eyes and settled thoughts!!

I realize that even though I’m physically out and have filed for divorce, this is not over, not yet cleaned up, not yet done – but I can’t help but acknowledge the fact that, without him, I am sleeping well.  And, in retrospect, my long-lived insomnia began seven years ago – just one month after we began dating.  I’m not sure what that all means – besides the fact that my soul has not known peace for a VERY LONG TIME.  I am so grateful that I’m a strong enough person to have just done what I’ve done.  Although I need to eventually answer for my own peace of mind why I was there in the first place, I know that I now have a better life ahead of me… 

Yes, my dad is still dying.  But I have been saved – by some grace of God. 

It makes me wonder odd things, like if maybe Dad’s illness has been for a reason.  Maybe Dad got sick by fate in order to teach me the ultimate, final lesson he had for me: what a good life consists of and never to settle for less than that, less than I deserve.  That is a comforting thought, that maybe Dad isn’t just sick, that maybe it was his last selfless act for the greater good of his only daughter.

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