November 13, 2007 – AGITATION CYCLE

11/09/2009

I haven’t been visiting Dad as much as I should.  I like to see him at least once a week.  But I know that Dad’s doing better now on his antidepressants and I’ve been very preoccupied with things at home.  I’m going through a very tough time there as well and I think I’m probably avoiding people, including my own family.  I feel as if I’ve withdrawn into a shell to survive all the stress around me.

I don’t feel like I have solace anywhere in my life.  I’m not at peace with what’s happening to Dad nor have I truly accepted that one day (soon??) he will be gone from my life forever.  There is volatility at work, having been partially laid-off a few months ago and now having part-time status.  And there is palpable volatility at home where I am struggling with the different paths my husband and I seem to be taking – nothing is easy, including me preparing to put up the annual Christmas decorations and him fighting with me about it, complaining about what an inconvenience they are when they’re up and in his way.  Our conversations about having kids halted late this summer, and I’m struggling with the concept that my dad may never know my (future) children –and that breaks my heart and seems so unfair.  He is so great with kids and would be the ultimate Grandpa!

You hear the phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind.”  Well, that doesn’t apply to my dad.  When I go too long without seeing him (too many days, too many weeks), I start getting anxious, depressed, edgy.  The best I can explain it is that I feel panicky, like he’s already gone and I won’t ever be able to see him again.  I assume I’m going through some type of separation anxiety.  Whether it’s a natural progression to acclimate to the thought that one day he will be gone, or whether this is some self-launched obsessive condition, I can’t say.  I just know that I’m a bit calmer and more even-keeled throughout the week when I’ve had a recent visit with Dad.  And so I come out of my shell at least every two weeks and fit in a visit.

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