April 20, 2007: CAMELOT IS CRUMBLING

09/11/2009

I’m spinning out of control in a total panic!  I can’t stop crying.  I’m sobbing as I’m typing this.  I know I’m losing my dad, but with them dropping the “A” bomb on me and leaving town so fast and for so long, I now have this unsettling panic that I’ve lost them both!  I realize it doesn’t make any sense rationally.  But Mom and Dad are both out of touch to me – somewhere unreachable on the other side of the globe – and I just feel like they’re both never coming back. 

F***.  My entire world is crumbling!  I can’t explain what’s going on inside but I’m spiraling downward to somewhere I don’t want to go.  The entire world looks bleak.  It’s hard to breath.  I can barely get out of bed.  I cry all the time.  Even at work, I lay and cry on my desk.  I can hold it together for short periods of time, but then it all comes bubbling out, no matter where I am!  Jac has made me come over, she usually can cheer me up out of any mood, but at her house all I do is flop on her couch and cry harder.  I can’t get it together.  I know this isn’t rational.  But I can’t rationally pull myself out of these dark depths.

I tell myself I’m SO LUCKY to have had the life I have had: GREAT parents, a privileged upbringing, everything a child could long for… But then I crumble and am paralyzed with fear and emptiness that it’s all coming to an end.  Camelot is crumbling!!  THEN what do I have??  I’m tormented by some force I can’t even explain nor get my head around.  I am afraid and see myself sliding down a VERY DARK path…

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